“You are choosing to end your time at the park early by misbehaving. ”[1] X Research source “You lost your turn to play with the toy when you stole it from another child. ” “You made the decision to end the play date when you bit your friend. ” “By not picking up your toys you chose to lose the privilege of playing with them. ” “By not being honest, you lost the privilege of our trust. ”
For example, instead of you staying up late to help the night before an assignment is due, let your child get a bad grade they didn’t do their homework. This lesson is especially important for older children to learn since they will start to expect more independence and trust from you. [2] X Research source With young children, this lesson may take on a less severe form. For example, if your child breaks a toy on purpose, do not replace it. This will help him learn what it means to be responsible and how it feels to lose something. Children of all ages must also learn to be respectful of others, so don’t intervene if your child didn’t get invited to a party or event because they were mean to other children. [3] X Research source
Don’t use timeout to humiliate or punish. For young children, especially those under three, use a timeout mat so that you can still keep an eye on him or her. The mat is also portable, and can be used for timeouts when you aren’t home. [4] X Research source Timeout should last no longer than one minute for each year of your child’s age. [5] X Research source
Physical items like toys will work better with younger children, while an older child may respond better to the loss of a privilege or freedom he or she had been granted. Don’t give in and end the punishment early, or next time your child will know that they can control the situation. [6] X Research source Privileges that can be taken away include watching television, playing on the computer or video games, playing with friends, trips to the park, parties or use of the family vehicle for older children.
Corporal punishment can lead to aggressive behavior. There is no evidence that physical discipline is an effective means of curbing future misbehavior. The negative effects of corporal punishment can follow children into adulthood in the form of mental health problems and substance abuse. [8] X Research source
For example, if you do not want your child to play with your phone or another electronic item, then put it up somewhere that they cannot see or reach it.
Resist the urge to be sarcastic, threaten, or criticize. This will just upset your child more, and could have lasting effects on their self-esteem. [10] X Research source Watch for the warning signs of fight or flight mode, such as a racing heart, sweaty palms, and shakiness. This can happen when you are extremely angry, annoyed, or hurt. Practice different relaxation techniques and find what works for you. Deep breathing, long walks, meditation, and baths are good ways to calm down. Some people even find cleaning, exercising, or reading to be excellent ways to settle down.
Be firm, but don’t yell. If you yell to communicate your emotions, your child will learn to do the same. [11] X Research source Remain calm and act quickly, but not out of anger. Speak clearly and make eye contact. For a younger child or toddler, get down to their level when you speak to them. Provide an explanation if your child is old enough to understand. Keep it feeling based and focus on how their behavior affects and hurts other people. For a tween or teen, discuss the repercussions of their actions or decisions on a larger scale.
Be encouraging and reassure your child that you are there to support him. Tell your child you love him. Soothe him by saying you understand. A young child will respond best to cuddles and physical closeness at this time, which will make him or her feel safe and loved. An older child who is starting to push away might not want cuddles now, but reassure him that you are there to support him, and teach him ways he can sooth or calm himself. This includes deep breathing, counting, distracting himself, listening to calming music, and visualization techniques.
To establish control, try phrases like “I’m the parent,” or “I’m in charge here. ” Don’t back down, no matter what kind of tantrum he throws. Don’t give in even if they try to manipulate you (like by holding their breath). An older child may try to challenge you on this. Encourage him to participate in discussions about decisions that affect their life, and explore how different options will impact him. Remember that ultimately, the final decision is yours, but be prepared to explain how you reached it so he can see the responsible decision making process.
For example, if you want your child to use good manners, then make sure that you model this behavior for your child. This might be as simple as saying “please” and “thank you,” or waiting patiently in line at the grocery store.
Tell him when you are proud of a good choice he made. Be specific when you praise him and emphasize the behavior you want to acknowledge. Depending on their age, thank them for good listening skills, sharing, or for completing chores and tasks. Compare past behavior with present actions and focus on how he has improved. Set realistic goals for further improvement in the future. [13] X Research source
Some families use a sticker chart to track positive changes for a younger child. Tell them what is expected of him in order to earn a sticker, and at the end of the day have a family meeting where you discuss their conduct that day and what they did to earn a sticker (or not). Points systems can also work, where good behavior earns children points that can be redeemed for fun activities or gifts. Points systems can earn an older child privileges like use of the car or time with their friends.
Allow him to choose between a book and coloring before dinner or bedtime when he’s young. Let him pick out their own clothes. Give them the option of what toys to play with in the bath. Ask them what kind of sandwich he prefers for lunch. As they gets older, the decisions can get slightly more important. Let them choose classes if his school allows that, or let they decide what after school sports or activities to participate in. Let them choose what snack they want at the supermarket.
