If a loved one pretends he or she isn’t dying, and everything is going to be okay, realize that this is a defense mechanism and is misplaced hope. While it is important to be receptive to the loved one’s approach to death, do not let this fantasy cause tension and problems for you and other family members. This may be the one time where it is important to not play along but to make it clear in as kind and caring a way as possible, that the loved one has a terminal illness which impacts other people too. Things are not going to be all right and much time can be wasted pretending otherwise, when sharing memories, dealing with the loved one’s wishes and spending quality time together should be occurring instead.
Do cry with your child/children and do talk about the dead person. It shows your child/children that you never forget about that person and that it is okay to cry, show anger, and express feelings and grief. Remember people grieve in different ways.
If you feel that other people are insisting on remembering your loved ones using rituals, approaches and concrete actions that don’t align with how you wish to remember your loved one, thank them for their suggestions kindly but remind them that everyone has their own way of remembering others and that you’ll be keeping to yours. You may find it easiest to put things away that will be too hard to see, right after your loved one’s death. A pair of slippers, a tie, even his/her favorite pen. Take them out when you feel as though you can handle it, but keep their memory alive with you.
Voice your worries, sadness and feelings to a pet or a close friend. Anyone or anything which will listen could help release your feelings, but don’t expect them to take them away. If you don’t feel you can talk to family/ friends then try a work college or anybody else. Many people can be very understanding. Go to a park or a dinner or just out with a couple of friends and relatives, and relax for a while. Continue leisure activities and sports when you are comfortable and re-establish your old routine. Don’t feel guilty for doing it.
Don’t tell a child that the loved one has gone away/is only sleeping. This white lie can make a child/children afraid of going to bed or they may believe that the person has gone away for a walk/holiday when they haven’t. Sugarcoating the reality can make your child/children resent and distrust you. [9] X Research source Be honest with your child/children but use answers in an age-appropriate way. For example, your child is very young and asks “How did grandad die?” You could say grandad had a naughty boo-boo in his head, he was very poorly, he didn’t get better, his body stopped working, he died and rests in a very special place. When the child is old enough to understand you can say that boo-boo in his head was a brain tumor and the special place he rests at is called (you can tell your child/children where the grave/stone is) and grandad loved you very much. [10] X Research source Children are not morbid––they are naturally curious. Respond with facts rather than emotions (it is most unhelpful to accuse a child of being morbid). If a child asks what happens after a person dies, be honest and say if the body is buried it goes through a stage called decomposing, the body rots and then the body becomes just a skeleton. If they ask what cremation is, say the body is burned in a special way with very high heat and becomes ashes. Encourage children to talk about any aspect of the loss as sometimes children can find themselves misguided by other children and less helpful adults. Setting to rights any misunderstandings can help them feel better also.
